Henry Jacobson Eats Potatoes
by SuprSingr
Summary: The epic tale of one man's utter determination to eat a thousand hot dogs to impress a beefy fat lady named Helga.


**Henry Jacobson Eats Potatoes**

**One-Shot  
**

_Henry Jacobson bent down on one knee, a potato in one hand and a brass ring in the other. He looked up at the fat lady that had won his heart and declared, "Marry me, Helga! I will give you the life you only dreamed you could have! I have won the potato eating contest! Just as you asked! Now please, marry me, Helga!"_

_Helga grinned lovingly down at him, and bent down to kiss him on the cheek. "Why of course I'll marry you, Henry. Why, I've never seen anyone eat THAT many potatoes before. Why, not even I have ever eaten that many potatoes." She blushed down at him._

_He grinned, still down on one knee, and slipped the brass ring onto her finger. "Oh, Helga!" He jumped up and leaned over her massive belly to kiss her on the cheek, causing her to giggle, and the sappy love music just fading out in the background, along with the screen fading black..._

Helga switched the TV off, her freshly bloodshot eyes wide and clearly quite traumatized, and her face an almost deathly white.

The same could be said for her entire fifth grade class, even Curly was dead silent.

After a good thirty seconds of pure silence, Sid spoke up, "Boy howdy... some movie..."

"Willikers, Sid, I reckon' that was the most dull and terrifying love story I've EVER seen..."

"And why did we watch the whole thing again?" Rhonda asked to no one in particular, her own deep brown eyes quite bloodshot from watching that movie.

Helga stayed in her straight, up-right position, straight as a board. Helga shrugged very faintly, muttering out, "I have no idea, Princess..."

The rest of the class hummed in agreement.

After another several seconds of silence, Arnold spoke up, sitting right next to Helga. He turned to her very slowly, and tilted his head slightly at her. "You're not going to break up with me for some guy named Henry are you, Helga?"

She didn't respond for a while, and though it was meant as a joke to try and break the tense silence in his room, nobody laughed. Perhaps he'd said it too quiet? Despite everything his own brain couldn't help but feel considerably fried itself.

Finally, though, Helga snorted slightly and turned to him with a very faint smile. "As if, Football Head. I don't even really like potatoes."

He smiled as best as he could back.

"Well..." Rhonda suddenly announced, though not as strong as she might under other circumstances. "Since the movie is finally over, and the ability to actually THINK has finally come back to me, I think I'm going to leave. Thank you for inviting me, Arnold, but please, next time won't you be a darling and NOT suggest that we just watch whatever is on cable?" She shuddered very slightly, not even waiting for a response before she was out the door. After a moment of silence, everyone else began filing out right after her, some muttering their thanks, some not even bothering since they considered the entire event a major waste of time that was surely going to be haunting them for the rest of their days.

Once everyone was gone, it was just Arnold and Helga left in his room. After a moment of silence, Helga took in a tense, shuddery breath and attempted to stand as she addressed her beloved, "Hey, Arnoldo, would it be okay if I stayed over here tonight? I just don't think I'll be able to make it all the way back to my house after watching THAT without getting hit by a car."

Arnold looked up at her, and smiled his usual loving half-smile at her that he reserved just for her. "Sure, Helga."

"But just one thing..." She turned to him, suddenly looking stern... or as stern as she could look as her brain was still trying to catch up with the words coming out of her mouth. "_I_ get to pick out the movie for tonight, Football Head." She quoted him then, doing her best Arnold impression, "'Oooh, look, this movie has a character in it named 'Helga!' Why don't we watch it? It looks like it'll be pretty good!'" She huffed then, staggering her way down the stairs of his room so she could retreat to the bathroom to vomit.

Arnold pursed his lips together a moment, thinking over whether to feel insulted or... He flew up out of his seat on the floor, and he ran as best he could over to the door to yell after her, "It's a deal!"

* * *

**A/N: **I don't know. I was just looking through my story files today and I found some file labeled "Hey Helga!" But when I clicked on it, all it had in it was some freaky crap about some dude named Henry Jacobson who wins some Helga chicks heart by eating potatoes. I no doubt wrote that out of boredom a long time ago and saved it just so I'd be annoyed with myself later on (Yes, I annoy EVERYONE including myself. I'm just that talented in the ways of irritation).

I know this is pointless, but I like it. It's kind of like... You know, have you ever just started watching something because you were bored or something, and you ended up watching some really retarded, horrible crap. But no matter how hard you tried you just couldn't bring yourself to change the channel, because for some weird reason the supreme crappiness of it just fascinated you and nauseated you at the same time. Yeah, I figure that's what happened to our little group here.

Also, how funny is it that you actually clicked on this? lol

So yeah, hope you enjoyed. If you really want to, go ahead and...

_**REVIEW!**_


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